To Forgive or Not Forgive? That is the Question.

Examine me, O Lord, and try me; test my mind and my heart. For Your loving kindness is before my eyes, and I have walked in Your truth. Psalm 26:2-3

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:14

Yesterday as I was running errands and had to get something at a store I don't often shop. As I shopped, I was amazed that this store triggered emotions in me. As I thought it through, I realized there is someone I know who does much of their shopping at that store. I could feel the stress rise up in me as I wondered if I would run into them.

You see, they are associated with pain from my past. There was wrong done toward me. They were part of it. Sinful actions by one were never held accountable and the situation was never resolved. There was nothing more that I could do. I thought I was over it but when the emotional stress came, I realized that there is still something going on in my heart.

As I drove away I started to examine my heart. Have I done what I could? Yes. Have I forgiven them? Yes. Have I prayed for restoration? Umm. Well, no. I haven't prayed for that. As I thought about it, I realized that my heart does not desire restoration. So, have I really forgiven them? Well.... I guess I'm not totally sure about that. So I dug deeper. Would I wish that the sin came to light? Yes! Would I wish that others would know about what they did to me? Yes! Would I wish that people see them in a bad light? Umm, yes.

Ugh! Not sure I like the results of THAT heart probe. As I thought about it, some of the words from Selah's “Hosanna” came to mind. They are words I often pray. “Heal my heart and make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like you have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks yours. Everything I am for your kingdom's cause.”

Clearly the results of the heart probe compared to genuinely praying those words equals a need for heart change. Again I say, “UGH!” The pain of the situation makes me want to make excuses for my heart stance. – They are the ones who sinned. They are the ones who did not repent or ask forgiveness. They are the ones in the wrong. They haven't worked for restoration.

Really Erica? You are praying, “Show me how to love like you have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks yours.” Well, I know their actions break the heart of our Father. I also know that if I desire for people to see these individuals in a bad light and do not desire restoration, it also breaks the heart of our Father. Ouch.   Suddenly the tables were turned. Time for heart change.

So, did I do an about face? Well, to keep it real, I'm still working through that one. Pain, unresolved situations, and some stubbornness on my part are being worked through with the Holy Spirit. I am working to get my heart fully on board. Full release and a true desire to love them like Christ are starting to flow over my heart.

How about you friend? Have any situations come to mind as you read? I encourage you to take them to the Lord today. Freedom comes with obedience.

My son, give attention to my words; Incline your ear to my sayings. Do not let them depart from your sight; Keep them in the midst of your heart. For they are life to those who find them and health to all their body. Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life. Put away from you a deceitful mouth and put devious speech far from you. Let your eyes look directly ahead and let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you. Watch the path of your feet and all your ways will be established. Do not turn to the right nor to the left; Turn your foot from evil. Psalm 4:20-27

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