Thirty Years. Not My Will But Yours.

 Thirty years.

Thirty years.

Thirty years.

With every new stair climbed, I quietly uttered "Thirty years."  It was my mind and heart survival phrase at that moment.  It had been several exhausting days of giving and giving and giving some more. I thought I was going to have a refreshing night sleep when suddenly I was needed several times throughout the night.  Sleep was scarce and interrupted.  I was having to give more than I wanted to give at that moment.  As I headed back up to our bedroom for the umpteenth time, each step I took I reminded myself, "Thirty years."  Over the last year those two words have brought my heart back into focus on more occasions that I care to admit.

As we walked life with our big circle over this last year, it resulted in one of the most demanding years we have had in a long time. Maybe ever.  Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. Practically.  Relationally.  In every area we had been asked to give more than we could have imagined. I have been a believer for five decades now. Out of all of those years, more than ever before, this year my heart learned what it means to sacrifice for the sake of Christ.  

Many times during the year I had given to the point of exhaustion so my heart told me I deserved a break.  I am all for rest and rejuvenation but here I’m talking about the moments of exhaustion when God asked me to keep giving and my heart threw a little tantrum as I talked to God about how much I had already given and how I deserved a break.   In the midst of one of those tantrums a picture of Jesus came to mind.  It was from something I had watched about His life.  The picture it was night time and Jesus arrived back to where He was staying.  After a long day of being with people and healing the sick, it was obvious He was exhausted and ready for bed. 

You see, Jesus, who was fully God and fully man, lived on this earth for over thirty years.  He gave of Himself fully for all of those years as He fulfilled the will of His Father.  He lived with selfish, sinful people.  He walked among those who mocked and hated him.  He felt pain and experience betrayal.  He served and healed and gave to the point of exhaustion.  He was our perfect Christ living and breathing on this very imperfect earth.  He knew the perfection of being with His Father from eternity past yet He remained here on earth day after day after day for over thirty years.  Day after day His life was a full expression of what complete sacrifice looks like.  Then He gave the ultimate sacrifice of His life as He died on the cross for our sins.  

So in the midst of my tantrum, God softened and changed my heart.  He reminded me of truth.  First the truth that He knows.   Jesus knows first hand what it is like to give every day all day even when we are tired and feel like there is nothing more to give.   He did just that while He was here on earth.  He knows my human limitations.  At the same time He knows that, in reality, my strength comes from Him.  Philippians 4:13 tells us, "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."  And Ephesians 6:10 reminds us, "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might."  God is our strength.  He will provide the strength we need to do everything He asks us to do.  We can rely on His strength every step of the way. We need only to obey every step of the way.

Second the truth that our days are His.  Every moment of every day belongs to Him.  I think this was probably the area of my life that has been refined the most in this last year.  Admittedly, it is probably the area that I still struggle with the most.  I remember one particular day that was already filled to what I thought was filled to the max.  Suddenly Tim’s car had to go in the shop so I ended up having to drive him the thirty minutes to work. Then in the middle of the crazy day a friend needed some emergency help that took up the remainder of any free time for the day.  It was a reminder that our days are not our own.  Every moment we are given here on earth has been given for a purpose.   Too often I want to reserve time slots as mine so that I can fill them in with what I want or with rest that I desire.  Ephesians 5:15-17 challenges us to remember that we need to consistently be seeking God's desires for our days.  "Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is."  As we plan our days and our weeks we need to first go to the Lord to ask Him what He has for us.  And then we need to remember to hold loosely to our plans as we may need to put them aside as we walk through what God suddenly puts in our path.  

The third truth is that we don't get to pick and choose what God has ordained for each day.  This is an area where God has been digging down deep to remove the yuck from my heart.  He knew I still had selfishness down deep.  He knows my tendency to cling to my own plans and pout when things don't go as I want.   As He showed me the yuck in my own heart I had to repent of bad attitudes towards others who were "taking extra time" and repent of the grumbling in my heart toward God when His plans interfered with my own.  You would think after all the decades of being a believer that I would finally have it all together in this area but I don't.   I am learning to stand with open hands and a heart that is willing to give God my days without heart complaining.  Romans 14:8 reminds us we are the Lord's.  "If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord."  Psalm 139:16-18 reminds us that not only has He ordained our days but that His plans for us are good and His thoughts toward us are the best. "Your eyes have seen my formless substance; and in Your book were written all the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them. How precious also are Your thoughts for me, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You."  He knows what He wants to accomplish through us for His glory.  We will have to walk through the hard, the heart breaking, and even the undesirable days.  We need to remember His authority and His sovereignty even on the days when the sacrifice seems too great or the task seems too hard.  Every bit of it will happen within the sovereignty of a God who loves us more than we can imagine.

In light of these truths, when I utter the words "Thirty years. Thirty years." I picture an exhausted Jesus who would be fully willing to do the same thing day after day with a joyful heart because He loves us that much.  Remembering His humble heart realigns my heart so that it matches His.  That particularly hard night when I laid my head down on my pillow yet again, the children's Sunday school song came to mind.  "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine."   I want my life to shine for Jesus. I don't want satan's lies to snuff it out.  I don't want my own selfishness to hide His light.  I want to shine for Him.  I want my heart to be like Mary when she responded to the angel in Luke 1:38, “Behold, the Lord’s bond-servant; may it be done to me according to your word.”  I want to be like Jesus who gave and gave and gave here on earth more than 30 years because He was fully submitted to His Father even to the point just before His death when He prayed “Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done.” (Luke 22:42)  May this be my heart's prayer each and every day.  

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20

 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 

My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word! Psalm 119:28

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore. Psalm 121