Til Death Do We Part
Twenty-one and a half years. It's been twenty-one and a half
years since we said, "I do." I can not believe
how much life we have crammed into those years. We moved
at least 22 times. We have lived on 3 different continents and
in 6 different countries. We added 4 kids to the mix over
the years along with 4 dogs, 2 cats, a guinea pig, a couple birds,
one frog that got left out in the Kabul heat (Who knew they would
dehydrate so fast! Sorry little frog!), multiplying rabbits,
a bunch of crazy chickens, and who knows how many bugs in jar
houses!
Whew! A lot of life was packed into each year. Most of it was good. Yet there are some memories we would rather forget. They were the hard times. They were situations we learned from. We are stronger together because we chose to hold on and fight through it. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my husband. I am so glad we get to do life together in the good and the bad.
Recently, I was reflecting back to our first few years of marriage. It was during that time frame that some of the "wish we could forget" times happened. We weren't super young but adjusting to marriage was not an easy thing. We are both first borns. What does that tell you? Neither of us were too quick to back down from our position. Tim had been given some counsel that I was going to be hard to reign in. It was bad counsel. It was opposite of my heart's desire to be a submissive wife. Because of that counsel, he felt like he had to prove that he was the head of the house. That was not always fun and it wasn't always good. It led to some big fights and some pretty heavy tears at times.
But don't start thinking that I was innocent and off the hook. I did have something to reign in. It was my mouth. Oh boy, did I have a mouth! And I used it. This tongue could just wag and wag. It would not rest until I said my peace... and then some..... and then some more. And do you think I would stop that tongue when my husband would ask to take some time to think things over? Oh no. I had to finish working things out right then. Right there. On my time table. Wag, wag, wag went the tongue.
Some evenings it seemed like WWIII was going to start in our little apartment. There were even phone calls back home to his folks with him on one extension and me on the other, both "sharing" our side of the story.... at the same time with great passion! Those were not nice conversations at all! (To which Dad and Mom Losch give a hearty ,"Amen!" Ha.)
Now don't get me wrong. We had amazing times in between and loved each other very much. But there were some very hard times too. Really, those hardest times were in our first and fifth years of marriage. (Yeah, for some reason we went back to the boxing ring again in the fifth year.) We did a lot of learning about love, commitment, and communication through some hard times.
So, why do I tell you this? Because marriage for life seems to be going out of style. People come to the hard times and instead of purposing to fight through the hard, they are walking away and just finding someone else. They are abandoning the vows they made to one another and to God. Or if they are sticking it out, they are not thriving as a couple as God intended. They are just living together but not with passionate love for one another. Sometimes there is no love left at all. They just exist in the same home. How heart breaking this is. God created something amazing and beautiful when He created marriage. He intended for it to be wonderful. He intended for your relationship to bring Him glory and to shine God's love into this world. He wants your marriage to stand out so that others want what you have!
So what would I tell my young married self if I could do it over again? What would I tell young couples or those struggling? Below are some ideas that come to mind. Some are things that we did. Others are things I wish we had done.
1. Seek God. Know Him. Know His Word. Study His Word. Purpose to be like Him. Do all of these things alone. Do all of these things together.
2. Purpose to love your spouse like God loves them. This means you have a humble, forgiving, servant's heart. This means at times giving up your "rights" for the good of the other and for the good of your marriage. There is no stubbornness or pride that fits into this type of love.
3. Communicate. When we were first married, my tongue did a lot of wagging but it wasn't really communicating. I wasn't sharing deep from my heart and I wasn't listening well either. Communication is vital - V I T A L - in marriage!
4. Know that nothing you are facing is new to marriage. So many have walked through the sames mountains and valleys. Glean what you can from those who have gone before you. Find a couple with a solid marriage and learn from them. Don't be afraid to be open and ask questions. Be vulnerable. Everyone fights at times. If the waters are super rough, seek out a Pastor or Biblical counselor to help you work through the tough and strengthen your marriage. Don't be afraid to get help. Be willing to listen AND apply the counsel even if it's hard work. It is worth it!
5. Pray for your spouse. I can not stress this enough. Our spouse needs us to pray for them. I have seen God do amazing things over the years that were answers to prayers. There were times when God told me not to say a word but to pray for a specific area in Tim's life. It was amazing to see those prayers answered. It was God working not me pushing.
6. Pray for you! Pray that God will show you blind spots. Pray that God will show you what areas you can improve your marriage with your actions and attitudes. Pray that God will help you to love your spouse like He loves them. Pray. Pray. Pray. There have been times in our married life where God clearly showed me areas I needed to change. Sometimes I even had to go back and apologize to Tim for specific things God brought to mind.
7. Pray together every day. This helps knit our hearts to God and to one another. We have made a habit to pray together at night just before we go to sleep. Find a time that is best for you and commit to this important time together.
8. Make your marriage a priority. Keep dating. Have fun together. Habitually get away overnight together. This is a time when it is just the two of you catching up, setting goals, rekindling the fire and refreshing your hearts. Sometimes we have done a great job at this. Other times, not so much. Life (work, kids, finances) just seems to get in the way. You must make time together a priority. Maybe life is crazy busy. Your time together may only last 10 minutes but it is necessary time.
9. Figure out your spouse's love language and love them in that way. Google "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I'm sure you will find information online or the book in your local library or on Amazon. Great stuff! So worth the time to figure out!
10. Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill and don't fight over things that are out of your control. Seriously. Don't argue over the little things. Chill. Figure out if your disagreement is really going to matter two weeks from now. As to things that our out of the control of both of you, how crazy to fight over them. (Yeah, we fought over what college our kids would attend. Now how stupid was that argument? We didn't even have kids at the time.)
11. Remember your spouse is not the enemy! Yeah, there are moments you might not like one another very much but they are not the enemy. The enemy is satan. He is the one who seeks to destroy marriages. Band together and stand against the true enemy!
12. Keep pressing on through the hard. No matter what. We always said that the word divorce was never an option! Don't quit when the hard comes. No excuses! God put you together. He made you one. Purpose in your heart to stay together.
(Hear me clear on this exception, if abuse is part of the situation, help is needed. You must be safe. Get the help you need.)
Dear ones, I wouldn't want to repeat some of those hard times but it sure did teach us. I am so glad we pushed through and never called it quits! We are still not perfect. We never will be until heaven. There are times he drives me crazy. There are times that I am sure he thinks, "Oh brother. Here she goes again." I'm sure I drive him crazy way more than he does me. We are two different people. Different. Oh yeah! But God made us one. We compliment one another. We encourage one another. We hold the other one up on the difficult days. We are committed to one another. Oh, how I love this man. It would do it all over again. I hope we have many more years to walk together! I wouldn't trade him for anyone!
Friend, I pray that God will challenge your heart and that you will see the areas in your marriage that need to be strengthened. I pray just hearing our story will give you hope. I pray you will resolve to work through the hard and hold on even if it seems hopeless. God can do it. He can make any marriage amazing and wonderful. He can do anything! Just ask Him where to start.
Whew! A lot of life was packed into each year. Most of it was good. Yet there are some memories we would rather forget. They were the hard times. They were situations we learned from. We are stronger together because we chose to hold on and fight through it. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my husband. I am so glad we get to do life together in the good and the bad.
Recently, I was reflecting back to our first few years of marriage. It was during that time frame that some of the "wish we could forget" times happened. We weren't super young but adjusting to marriage was not an easy thing. We are both first borns. What does that tell you? Neither of us were too quick to back down from our position. Tim had been given some counsel that I was going to be hard to reign in. It was bad counsel. It was opposite of my heart's desire to be a submissive wife. Because of that counsel, he felt like he had to prove that he was the head of the house. That was not always fun and it wasn't always good. It led to some big fights and some pretty heavy tears at times.
But don't start thinking that I was innocent and off the hook. I did have something to reign in. It was my mouth. Oh boy, did I have a mouth! And I used it. This tongue could just wag and wag. It would not rest until I said my peace... and then some..... and then some more. And do you think I would stop that tongue when my husband would ask to take some time to think things over? Oh no. I had to finish working things out right then. Right there. On my time table. Wag, wag, wag went the tongue.
Some evenings it seemed like WWIII was going to start in our little apartment. There were even phone calls back home to his folks with him on one extension and me on the other, both "sharing" our side of the story.... at the same time with great passion! Those were not nice conversations at all! (To which Dad and Mom Losch give a hearty ,"Amen!" Ha.)
Now don't get me wrong. We had amazing times in between and loved each other very much. But there were some very hard times too. Really, those hardest times were in our first and fifth years of marriage. (Yeah, for some reason we went back to the boxing ring again in the fifth year.) We did a lot of learning about love, commitment, and communication through some hard times.
So, why do I tell you this? Because marriage for life seems to be going out of style. People come to the hard times and instead of purposing to fight through the hard, they are walking away and just finding someone else. They are abandoning the vows they made to one another and to God. Or if they are sticking it out, they are not thriving as a couple as God intended. They are just living together but not with passionate love for one another. Sometimes there is no love left at all. They just exist in the same home. How heart breaking this is. God created something amazing and beautiful when He created marriage. He intended for it to be wonderful. He intended for your relationship to bring Him glory and to shine God's love into this world. He wants your marriage to stand out so that others want what you have!
So what would I tell my young married self if I could do it over again? What would I tell young couples or those struggling? Below are some ideas that come to mind. Some are things that we did. Others are things I wish we had done.
1. Seek God. Know Him. Know His Word. Study His Word. Purpose to be like Him. Do all of these things alone. Do all of these things together.
2. Purpose to love your spouse like God loves them. This means you have a humble, forgiving, servant's heart. This means at times giving up your "rights" for the good of the other and for the good of your marriage. There is no stubbornness or pride that fits into this type of love.
3. Communicate. When we were first married, my tongue did a lot of wagging but it wasn't really communicating. I wasn't sharing deep from my heart and I wasn't listening well either. Communication is vital - V I T A L - in marriage!
4. Know that nothing you are facing is new to marriage. So many have walked through the sames mountains and valleys. Glean what you can from those who have gone before you. Find a couple with a solid marriage and learn from them. Don't be afraid to be open and ask questions. Be vulnerable. Everyone fights at times. If the waters are super rough, seek out a Pastor or Biblical counselor to help you work through the tough and strengthen your marriage. Don't be afraid to get help. Be willing to listen AND apply the counsel even if it's hard work. It is worth it!
5. Pray for your spouse. I can not stress this enough. Our spouse needs us to pray for them. I have seen God do amazing things over the years that were answers to prayers. There were times when God told me not to say a word but to pray for a specific area in Tim's life. It was amazing to see those prayers answered. It was God working not me pushing.
6. Pray for you! Pray that God will show you blind spots. Pray that God will show you what areas you can improve your marriage with your actions and attitudes. Pray that God will help you to love your spouse like He loves them. Pray. Pray. Pray. There have been times in our married life where God clearly showed me areas I needed to change. Sometimes I even had to go back and apologize to Tim for specific things God brought to mind.
7. Pray together every day. This helps knit our hearts to God and to one another. We have made a habit to pray together at night just before we go to sleep. Find a time that is best for you and commit to this important time together.
8. Make your marriage a priority. Keep dating. Have fun together. Habitually get away overnight together. This is a time when it is just the two of you catching up, setting goals, rekindling the fire and refreshing your hearts. Sometimes we have done a great job at this. Other times, not so much. Life (work, kids, finances) just seems to get in the way. You must make time together a priority. Maybe life is crazy busy. Your time together may only last 10 minutes but it is necessary time.
9. Figure out your spouse's love language and love them in that way. Google "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I'm sure you will find information online or the book in your local library or on Amazon. Great stuff! So worth the time to figure out!
10. Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill and don't fight over things that are out of your control. Seriously. Don't argue over the little things. Chill. Figure out if your disagreement is really going to matter two weeks from now. As to things that our out of the control of both of you, how crazy to fight over them. (Yeah, we fought over what college our kids would attend. Now how stupid was that argument? We didn't even have kids at the time.)
11. Remember your spouse is not the enemy! Yeah, there are moments you might not like one another very much but they are not the enemy. The enemy is satan. He is the one who seeks to destroy marriages. Band together and stand against the true enemy!
12. Keep pressing on through the hard. No matter what. We always said that the word divorce was never an option! Don't quit when the hard comes. No excuses! God put you together. He made you one. Purpose in your heart to stay together.
(Hear me clear on this exception, if abuse is part of the situation, help is needed. You must be safe. Get the help you need.)
Dear ones, I wouldn't want to repeat some of those hard times but it sure did teach us. I am so glad we pushed through and never called it quits! We are still not perfect. We never will be until heaven. There are times he drives me crazy. There are times that I am sure he thinks, "Oh brother. Here she goes again." I'm sure I drive him crazy way more than he does me. We are two different people. Different. Oh yeah! But God made us one. We compliment one another. We encourage one another. We hold the other one up on the difficult days. We are committed to one another. Oh, how I love this man. It would do it all over again. I hope we have many more years to walk together! I wouldn't trade him for anyone!
Friend, I pray that God will challenge your heart and that you will see the areas in your marriage that need to be strengthened. I pray just hearing our story will give you hope. I pray you will resolve to work through the hard and hold on even if it seems hopeless. God can do it. He can make any marriage amazing and wonderful. He can do anything! Just ask Him where to start.
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