Thriving in the Tough
This Spring and early summer I walked through one of the most difficult and beautiful things ever - watching my mom quickly decline in health and then pass away. It was emotionally and physically exhausting. At the same time, it was spiritually refreshing as I watched God work in amazing ways. It is an experience I hope never to repeat yet I am so grateful that I was able to see God in action.
During our lifetime, most of us will either walk with others as they experience something similar or we will walk through it ourselves. I was grateful for any information or help given to us during that time. While in the midst of this tough time, I jotted down a few things that I thought would be helpful to others. I use the example of someone in hospice as that was my experience. There are other situations that will apply to this as well. I hope these ideas will help you down the road when you need it.
Things to remember or ways to help when someone you love is caring for a family member in hospice.
1. Hot meals are amazing. Other ideas are quick meals or snacks - fruit and veggies cut up, chips, cookies, lunch meat and buns, snacks, cheese and meat sticks with crackers. Meals dropped off where the sick family member is staying are great. Also keep in mind many people will be caring for a loved one and still have a spouse and kids back home that need meals. Bringing a meal to them is a huge help. As many disposable dishes as possible are wonderful as care giving is exhausting and no one wants to take time and energy to do a bunch of extra dishes and then figure out how to get them back to the owner. If you are bringing a meal, it's nice to ask how many people will be around for the meal. That tends to vary from day to day in this type of situation.
2. Gift cards to non sit-down restaurants or ones with take out are amazing.
3. Sending in a pizza meal is a great idea! Someone did this for us and it was a nice change.
4. Gift cards or cash for meals especially if it is a long term stay in the hospital (several days or longer). Eating food at the hospital for three meals a day gets expensive fast.
5. Send a card. It is such a blessing to receive cards that remind both the sick and the care givers that you are thinking about them and praying for them.
6. Send text or social media messages. It's a blessing to receive a note saying, "Hey, praying for your right now." or other messages to know others are upholding you.
7. If the friend does not have much help (meaning they are the only care giver or one of just a few), offer to stay with their loved one so they can run errands or take a nap.
8. Offer to run errands or pick up things they might need. Offer to do laundry or clean up the house so they can rest.
9. Don't stay long unless you are family or a very close friend. No offense meant here but the care givers are exhausted as well as the patient so long visits are hard on all of them. Let them tell you if they would like you to stay longer.
10. Show grace toward the caregivers. They are exhausted. If they do not answer your message right away or respond how you think they should respond, understand they might be overwhelmed. Maybe they read your message and just don't have the energy to reply. They may have totally forgotten to respond because their brain is overloaded and fuzzy. They might not answer your phone call because they just don't have the emotional strength to talk to one more person. Love like Christ and be patient.
11: Pray or sing before you leave. Ask first. At times it will be refreshing and help people focus on God in the midst of the hardest of life situations. Singing and praying together can be refreshing and create beautiful memories.
For those taking care of a loved one in hospice or long term hospital stays
1. Sleep when you can. Sleep, sleep, sleep! Your situation is exhausting and often the sick loved one has days and nights mixed up. When you are rested, the whole situation is easier.
2. Accept help. Let others do things that you do not need to do personally.
3. Take breaks. You need to have breaks. If you do not, you will become weary and possibly even sick. You must get breaks to refresh your body and your emotions.
4. Eat! Sometimes you are so emotionally and physically exhausted that you don't feel like eating. Eat anyway. Find some good fruits and veggies and some protein not just junk that is easy to grab. Your body needs the nutrients to keep going. Take some good nutrients to keep you healthy. B Vitamins are stripped out of your body quickly when you are under stress.
5. Drink. It is easy to forget to drink enough. Your body needs water. Figure out a way to make sure you are drinking enough.
6. Emotions are all over the place because you are grieving. It's ok! For me, it was the small things that got me. Right toward the end of my mom's life, I was making her an egg for breakfast. She was getting so weak that I knew it would probably be the last time I made her an egg. I wanted to sob. It's ok. It's natural. Allow yourself to cry. Having said that, seize the time and enjoy whatever time God gives you with your loved one.
7. Watch. Intentionally watch and see what God is doing. Ask Him to help you see His hand in the situation. When you do, you will see that God orchestrates things beautifully. His timing is amazing. He is there and He is working.... always!
8. Make a notebook or a special jar of remembrance. Write down the things God is doing. You can write. Family can write. Friends can write when they visit. Even the sick loved one can write or have you write for them. Put it in a highly visible spot so you will remember. We did this and I'm so glad we did. We have beautiful reminders of what God was doing during this time. We wrote down ways He provided, ways we could thank Him, and little things we could see that He was doing. It caused us to be thankful to God and recognize the good in the midst of the hardest part of life.
9. Thank you notebook. Have a notebook to help you remember who to thank later. List their name, what you need to thank them for (meals, financial gifts, help, etc.) and also a column for marking with a check mark once the thank you is sent. Have a pile of thank you cards available so you can write one or two as you have time.
10. Have a master list of who to contact when your loved one takes a turn for the worse or when they pass away.
11. Know that you are human and at times this walk will be wearisome. When you see your loved one start to lose their ability to do things like walk, talk, eat, or even swallow, you will have moments where you are almost overcome emotionally because reality of the situation is hitting you. Take time to grieve and press into that pain and grief. Don't stuff it down. God gave us these emotions. Let yourself walk through it.
12. Play peaceful and encouraging music. For me personally, music brings healing and strength as it reminds me of my God and reminds me that He is there. Pandora is a great option to have on in the back ground. We played it night and day. This soothed our weary souls. It also gave opportunity for a spur of the moment sing along with whomever was in the room when a touching song came on the radio. Some of my favorite memories are times I was able to sit next to my mom, hold her hand, and sing together or toward the end when she could no longer talk, sing while she listened. We also had some hymnals available so that we could just pick them up and sing a few hymns if we desired.
13. Give yourself grace and show grace to those around you. During these stressful and exhausting times, family members will have different opinions and also will grieve differently. It's ok. Walk with grace and understanding. Do all that you can to walk peacefully with others. It's not always easy because we are all so different. Be patient. We need one another during these times more than ever.
I'm sure there are more things that could be added to both of these lists. I hope what is here can help you walk with others better or help you as you personally walk through hard times. I am so grateful that I know Jesus Christ and that He was walking with me through the hard time with my mom. I can not imaging walking through this grief without Him. He is my Rock and my Salvation. He wants to walk with you as well. I hope you will seek Him out. He loves you so much friend!
During our lifetime, most of us will either walk with others as they experience something similar or we will walk through it ourselves. I was grateful for any information or help given to us during that time. While in the midst of this tough time, I jotted down a few things that I thought would be helpful to others. I use the example of someone in hospice as that was my experience. There are other situations that will apply to this as well. I hope these ideas will help you down the road when you need it.
Things to remember or ways to help when someone you love is caring for a family member in hospice.
1. Hot meals are amazing. Other ideas are quick meals or snacks - fruit and veggies cut up, chips, cookies, lunch meat and buns, snacks, cheese and meat sticks with crackers. Meals dropped off where the sick family member is staying are great. Also keep in mind many people will be caring for a loved one and still have a spouse and kids back home that need meals. Bringing a meal to them is a huge help. As many disposable dishes as possible are wonderful as care giving is exhausting and no one wants to take time and energy to do a bunch of extra dishes and then figure out how to get them back to the owner. If you are bringing a meal, it's nice to ask how many people will be around for the meal. That tends to vary from day to day in this type of situation.
2. Gift cards to non sit-down restaurants or ones with take out are amazing.
3. Sending in a pizza meal is a great idea! Someone did this for us and it was a nice change.
4. Gift cards or cash for meals especially if it is a long term stay in the hospital (several days or longer). Eating food at the hospital for three meals a day gets expensive fast.
5. Send a card. It is such a blessing to receive cards that remind both the sick and the care givers that you are thinking about them and praying for them.
6. Send text or social media messages. It's a blessing to receive a note saying, "Hey, praying for your right now." or other messages to know others are upholding you.
7. If the friend does not have much help (meaning they are the only care giver or one of just a few), offer to stay with their loved one so they can run errands or take a nap.
8. Offer to run errands or pick up things they might need. Offer to do laundry or clean up the house so they can rest.
9. Don't stay long unless you are family or a very close friend. No offense meant here but the care givers are exhausted as well as the patient so long visits are hard on all of them. Let them tell you if they would like you to stay longer.
10. Show grace toward the caregivers. They are exhausted. If they do not answer your message right away or respond how you think they should respond, understand they might be overwhelmed. Maybe they read your message and just don't have the energy to reply. They may have totally forgotten to respond because their brain is overloaded and fuzzy. They might not answer your phone call because they just don't have the emotional strength to talk to one more person. Love like Christ and be patient.
11: Pray or sing before you leave. Ask first. At times it will be refreshing and help people focus on God in the midst of the hardest of life situations. Singing and praying together can be refreshing and create beautiful memories.
For those taking care of a loved one in hospice or long term hospital stays
1. Sleep when you can. Sleep, sleep, sleep! Your situation is exhausting and often the sick loved one has days and nights mixed up. When you are rested, the whole situation is easier.
2. Accept help. Let others do things that you do not need to do personally.
3. Take breaks. You need to have breaks. If you do not, you will become weary and possibly even sick. You must get breaks to refresh your body and your emotions.
4. Eat! Sometimes you are so emotionally and physically exhausted that you don't feel like eating. Eat anyway. Find some good fruits and veggies and some protein not just junk that is easy to grab. Your body needs the nutrients to keep going. Take some good nutrients to keep you healthy. B Vitamins are stripped out of your body quickly when you are under stress.
5. Drink. It is easy to forget to drink enough. Your body needs water. Figure out a way to make sure you are drinking enough.
6. Emotions are all over the place because you are grieving. It's ok! For me, it was the small things that got me. Right toward the end of my mom's life, I was making her an egg for breakfast. She was getting so weak that I knew it would probably be the last time I made her an egg. I wanted to sob. It's ok. It's natural. Allow yourself to cry. Having said that, seize the time and enjoy whatever time God gives you with your loved one.
7. Watch. Intentionally watch and see what God is doing. Ask Him to help you see His hand in the situation. When you do, you will see that God orchestrates things beautifully. His timing is amazing. He is there and He is working.... always!
8. Make a notebook or a special jar of remembrance. Write down the things God is doing. You can write. Family can write. Friends can write when they visit. Even the sick loved one can write or have you write for them. Put it in a highly visible spot so you will remember. We did this and I'm so glad we did. We have beautiful reminders of what God was doing during this time. We wrote down ways He provided, ways we could thank Him, and little things we could see that He was doing. It caused us to be thankful to God and recognize the good in the midst of the hardest part of life.
9. Thank you notebook. Have a notebook to help you remember who to thank later. List their name, what you need to thank them for (meals, financial gifts, help, etc.) and also a column for marking with a check mark once the thank you is sent. Have a pile of thank you cards available so you can write one or two as you have time.
10. Have a master list of who to contact when your loved one takes a turn for the worse or when they pass away.
11. Know that you are human and at times this walk will be wearisome. When you see your loved one start to lose their ability to do things like walk, talk, eat, or even swallow, you will have moments where you are almost overcome emotionally because reality of the situation is hitting you. Take time to grieve and press into that pain and grief. Don't stuff it down. God gave us these emotions. Let yourself walk through it.
12. Play peaceful and encouraging music. For me personally, music brings healing and strength as it reminds me of my God and reminds me that He is there. Pandora is a great option to have on in the back ground. We played it night and day. This soothed our weary souls. It also gave opportunity for a spur of the moment sing along with whomever was in the room when a touching song came on the radio. Some of my favorite memories are times I was able to sit next to my mom, hold her hand, and sing together or toward the end when she could no longer talk, sing while she listened. We also had some hymnals available so that we could just pick them up and sing a few hymns if we desired.
13. Give yourself grace and show grace to those around you. During these stressful and exhausting times, family members will have different opinions and also will grieve differently. It's ok. Walk with grace and understanding. Do all that you can to walk peacefully with others. It's not always easy because we are all so different. Be patient. We need one another during these times more than ever.
I'm sure there are more things that could be added to both of these lists. I hope what is here can help you walk with others better or help you as you personally walk through hard times. I am so grateful that I know Jesus Christ and that He was walking with me through the hard time with my mom. I can not imaging walking through this grief without Him. He is my Rock and my Salvation. He wants to walk with you as well. I hope you will seek Him out. He loves you so much friend!
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